Post by Ian GraemePost by Congenital KanoNine out of 10 guys who marry Filipinas get something they didn't count on,
and the tenth guy is lying.
Your numbers are skewed. I'd say 8 out of 10, and the other two knew
about 100 times as much about Pinay as the 8 did.
Luckily, many of those 8 were pleasantly surprised.
Hmmm. Not so you'd notice around here. The "image" is "family oriented",
"quiet", "shy", and "self-less" (generally counterposed to American women
who are the opposite).
"Family oriented" tends (in the beginning at least) to mean oriented on her
parents and sibs, not hubby.
"Quiet" means "I'll yell at you in private so I don't lose face".
"Shy" - see "quiet" above.
"Self-less" means once you've catered to her needs and raised her show-off
factor for her Filipina friends, your own bad self has less.
Post by Ian GraemeThat doesn't mean it is bad, or that all Fil-Am
Post by Congenital Kanomarriages are alike, but they require more work than Am-Am marriages (and
more than most guys bargain for who expect some sweet young thang dedicated
to her master).
Yep. Kano guys have been raised to expect women to be purely selfish
and short-sighted. The Pinay I've known have had BACKBONE, and are
working for the best they can get for their family, expecting it to take
years to achieve.
I hear the first sentence from guys here a lot, and I just don't get it. I
was never raised that way -- maybe it's a generational thang. One of the
hurdles in my marriage was to break the roles my bride expected (a man does
this, a woman does that) to create a partnership.
I think ute today grow up on the images of "Sex in the City" and such that
always stress the "professional woman." Yet more women don't work or don't
want to work (about half of new mothers return to some kind of work, but it
is more often than not below professional level). Many women work because
two incomes are needed to reach family goals -- that's failry long-sighted.
Perhaps it has to do with affluence. Many of the Pinays I know are
upper-middle to upper class. They are very self-centered, with their
efforts revolving around what they wear, their jewelry, their cars, their
houses. Even their children and hubbies are the source of *their* pride (I
have one SIL who used my daughter to brag about, because her own kids were
nothing to brag about -- she carried a picture of my daughter in her
wallet!).
I know selfish white wimmin, and selfish black wimmin, etc. I have found
Filipinas to be more face and personal-pride oriented.
I agree that Filipinas can be long-term goal-oriented in a way younger
MTV-minute American women are not, but I think all younger Americans tend to
be impatient. I want it *now*. Why haven't we gotten the Mercedes?
Where's Saddam? When you are used to having nothing and having to work hard
and long to achieve anything, you tend to take a longer view. When you are
used to having it now, you get impatient with any lengthy process.
Post by Ian GraemePost by Congenital KanoThe simple fact is that, while there is a strong surface cultural
resemblance between the US and RP, there are deep differences. Not
necessarily better or worse, but different.
My case is a little different than most, because I had no image of what
Filipinas were before I met my wife, but it was easy to look at her with her
American slang and dress and think we were not that different. After 10
years we both have adapted quite a bit (I think she more than me),
That means she's GOOD at running the family! ;)
Actually, I run the family relationships. She handles 1/2 the finances (she
writes the checks, I make sure the money is in the bank and do all the heavy
lifting for taxes, financing, major purchases, etc.), while I handle the
kids and relos. Growing up in a culture where what we consider "maternal
duties" are spread across several people (nannies, grandmothers, older sibs,
moms), a Filipina may not understand or be happy with the duties all falling
on her. Filipinas don't naturally, in my experience, view parents as
teachers (teaching kids to operate in a role society is simpler, and is left
in part to the Church, in part to the grandparents living in the home). I
know some Filipinas who are very close to their kids, but more who maintain
some distance aside from attending their basic needs (food, shelter,
clothing).
Post by Ian GraemePost by Congenital Kanobut the
cultural differences still exist.
I met my wife in California and learned all I know about the Philippines
from her, her family and visits. I would not recommend someone go out
looking for a Filipina to marry (you will find some guys who say "They make
the best wives", but I think that is malarky) any more than I would want
someone to go out and marry a woman from any other cultural group because of
some image the guy has about "those women".
I think most guys married to Filipinas wish the image a lot of Americans
have about Filipinas was true...
I'd bet that Filipinas married to Kano wish that the image that Pinay
have of Kano husbands was true . . .
Judging from what I've seen (there is something on the INS site about
surveyed attitudes of Filipinas towards Filipinos and Kanos), I think what
province Filipinas who come to the US expect is a) a hubby who is faithful
in a society that doesn't accept infidelity and second families, b) a hubby
who will not physically abuse them, c) a hubby who is responsible and a good
provider. Of course, "good provider" is relative, but the employment
situation in the RP has created a generation of men who are discouraged at
the lack of work as well as a work environment where more people are hired
at lower pay to do the job a single person should be doing. American men
appear downright productive compared to this. Many of the ambitious Pinoys
immigrate or do contract work abroad, leaving their family behind, which is
rare in the US.
I know of only one Filipina married to a Kano who dumped him for a Filipino
in the US. I know many who dumped their Filipino hubbies for white boys (or
who split with hubby and eventually married a Kano). What I have seen a lot
of is a Filipina who wants a better life, pressures hubby to immigrate to
the US, then as she grows Americanized she diverges from hubby and
eventually splits. Older Filipino couples (who immigrated decades ago) seem
to be able to keep their marriages intact (perhaps because they maintain
stronger ties to Filipino tradition) but younger couples seem to fall prey
to the American divorce syndrome.
That said, I know many people who run counter to all I've said above, which
brings me to my usual caveat to Kanos seeking Filipinas -- they are no more
alike than American wimmin are alike.
Randy